The Real Way to Fix the Problem

Poverty has been both a blessing and a curse from the beginning of human history. There's those who can explore the wilderness of the streets, and there's those who are stuck in their 8000 sq ft mansion. I think it is agreed by Republicans and Democrats that the prodigious number of those roaming the streets, or living in ramshackle shacks, in this beautiful world we live in a very great addition grievance; and therefore whoever could find the perfect simple method of making poverty vanish from the world would deserve so well of the public as to have his status set up for a preserver of the world.

It's extremely difficult to end poverty effectively, once and for all. There is just so many people to account for, and so many people that enjoy living in a world of poverty. After all, it is not possible to give to the poor without taking from the rich, and anyway, poverty has its uses. It keeps people in their place. It also helps to hold prices down by employing cheap labor.

Many other advantages might be enumerated. For example, poor children actually consume more meat than higher-income children consume, and their protein intake averages 100 percent above recommended levels. In fact, most poor children are super-nourished and grow up to be, on average, one inch taller and 10 pounds heavier than the GIs who stormed the beaches of Normandy in World War II. Good thing many poor people fight our wars.

Supposing that 80% of poor people living in poverty in America will fight in the armed forces, that brings our poverty rate down 80% and increases our armed forces enroll rate by 40%. 46.2 million people live in poverty, but that's not a problem. 5.1% as America's highest poverty percentage, but that's not a problem. This just shows how many more people can enjoy your protein-filled meals and patriotism in the armed forces.

Therefore, let no man talk to me of other expedients: of raising the minimum wage laws: of providing greater welfare to the poor: of creating negative income tax systems: of providing direct goods and services: of helping the poor find jobs: of creating soup kitchens to feed the poor: of cleansing dirty water unfit for drinking: of building self-sufficient economies: of teaching the poor new job skills: of constructing new homes for the homeless; who if a resolution be brought to make one fair proposal of just dealing, though often and earnestly invited to it.

Therefore I repeat, let no man talk to me of these and the like expedients, til he hath at least some glimpse of hope that there will ever be some sincere attempt to put them in practice.

I profess, in the sincerity of my heart, that I have not the least personal interest in endeavoring to promote this necessary work, having no other motive than the public good of my country, increasing efficiency of our economy, fattening the poor, and making the world go around. I have no companies by which I can propose to get a single penny; only me and a world of kindness and compassion.

~ Vincent Thieu ~
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Economist in the Making